Birthday Party Strategy

I just visited a parenting message board where I read a discussion about first birthday party ideas, and it has reaffirmed my belief that people are fucking retarded. Some of these bitches are renting bouncy houses, clowns, and ponies! What kind of world must you live in if you think it's necessary to get any one of those things? I mean, who is coming to this kid's first birthday party? Other one-year-olds? Are a bunch of toddlers really gonna get on a bouncy thing or ride a pony? No, bitch! They're gonna stare at it, and they're gonna drop their sippy cups and start crying when they see the clown. At the end of the day, you've got a bunch of toddlers with full diapers and sensory overload, a yard full of plastic inflatable crap, and a $600 bill to pay.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's for the older cousins and friends. Fine. But still. The birthday boy (or girl) can't enjoy it. Worst of all, it's bad strategy. Let me explain...If you do it up big for the early ones-- say, the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd birthdays-- what's it gonna take to impress the kid by the time he's 4, 5, 6? If he has a pony and a clown at his 3rd birthday, do you really think a bouncy house will suffice when he's 8? No! You're gonna have to send that spoiled brat to the fucking moon by the time he's 10 if you're not careful! Don't blow your wad too soon, Momma!

I plan to keep it simple for as long as possible. Charlie will be 1 on Sunday. His aunt is making his cake-- one small cake for him to eat on his own, and a larger one for me everyone else. We'll serve it with ice cream. The party is at lunch time, so I'll be serving a full meal for the 10-12 people present. Those 10-12 people include his parents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, and his grandmother.

I spent $34 on overpriced decorations, including a birthday boy hat for him (which I expect him to wear for all of 3 seconds before he pulls it off and throws it to the floor), 1st birthday themed paper plates and napkins, invitations (which I mailed to family members last week), and a "Happy Birthday" banner to hang on the wall. We'll eat lunch, then sing to him, give him his cake, take pictures, I will shed some tears, then eat some cake, shed some more tears, eat some more cake, then hose him down and call it a day. The pictures will be his only memory of the event, which is the reason I went ahead and bought a few decorations. I imagine his second birthday will be more of the same, but maybe with a couple of friends from school.

When he's old enough to appreciate it, we'll start making it a big deal. I don't know if we'll get a bouncy house, but we might rent a room at the movie theatre or the skating rink or whatever he wants. We might do one huge one before he gets too cool to party with his folks. Maybe we'll really go all out for the 12th or 13th.

See? Equally distribute the party effort over the first 10-12 years, and avoid having to buy him his own island to impress him. Silly people!

Ass, meet Foot.

Insurance companies suck.

Chris' doctor told him he wants to do exploratory surgery. The insurance company won't pay for it because his colonoscopy came back clear. Nevermind that he frequents death's door at least once a month, and this could find the problem, right?

My right foot hurts. It started when I started playing roller derby, and it gets worse when I skate. I put an arch support in my skate, hoping that would help. It helped some, but it didn't keep my feet from going numb. Both feet. Numb. And I still have pain in my right foot. A numb foot that hurts-- ain't that a bitch? So I decided to go to a podiatrist because this has been getting worse and worse. I have to go through Hattiesburg Clinic because Tim works for FGH, and the insurance will only cover HC. They have ONE podiatrist that they will pay for. ONE! There are at least three in this area that I can name right off the top of my head, but my insurance will only pay for one. It just happens to be the one who can't see me until November 16.

Insurance companies suck. Share your shitty insurance experience in the comments section.

Cereal Haiku

Inside his diaper
a moist, shriveled Cheerio
stuck to Charlie's balls.

I wanna see some colored leaves but live in a world of evergreens haiku

The leaves haven't turned.
Oh wait, those are pine needles.
Fall in the South? Sucks.

24 hour news channel haiku

The Manson murders
happened forty years ago.
Shut up already.

Bedtime Blues Haiku

Charlie, stop screaming
WILL YOU EVER STOP SCREAMING
Oh God make it stop

Duds for Doodlebugs

Winter is coming, such that it is in South Mississippi, and my son's winter wardrobe consisted of two pairs of pants and two long sleeve shirts, no jacket, and only one pair of shoes that still kind of fit. It was cool earlier this week, and when I took him to school in a t-shirt one of the ladies made a remark about how he must be cold. He wasn't cold at all, but I still thought I should get him some proper clothes before someone calls Child Services. Lucky for me Duds for Doodlebugs is today and tomorrow. It's a huge consignment sale for kids' stuff-- mostly clothes, but also toys, cribs, and other stuff. By "huge" I mean they pack the entire multipurpose center with stuff. The multipurpose center, people! They have freakin' rodeos in there! It's huge! I couldn't believe the amount of stuff, and most everything was really cheap. I scored a Halloween costume, a jacket, a hoodie, four or five shirts, three or four pants, two pairs of shoes, two sets of p.j.s, five or six books, and a few other things for $69. If I had gone to the mall or ordered the stuff online, I would've spent at least $200 on what I bought. They're doing it again in March, and I'm already looking forward to it because I know he'll need new short sleeve stuff by that time. I might even sell some of his old stuff at that one. I usually give them to my sister to sell in her Ebay store.

Speaking of my sister and bro-in-law, someone donated a plane ticket to them, and someone else has said that they could possibly donate another one for Brenda. (Chris can't fly alone because he passes out at random times, etc.) That covers more than half the amount they have to raise. Sweet!

Peggy Leggy

Last week my toes went numb during derby practice, and stayed numb for about 4 days. I also had a hellacious pain in my right knee, which I thought was from falling and twisting it a couple of weeks ago. I made an appointment to see a doctor, thinking I had a nerve problem, but things were back to normal before the appointment (which would've been this morning) so I cancelled it. Then last night at derby practice, guess what? Yep. Toes-- numb. Turns out this happens to lots of people for some reason-- several of the girls said their toes went numb when they first started. Maybe it's the new skates. Oh, and the right knee problem is now an entire right leg problem, which starts at the bottom of my foot and goes all the way up to my hip, with a hot spot right in the knee. Sometimes it's a dull ache; other times I can barely put weight on it. When I picked Charlie up from school earlier, I literally limped into the building. After moving around a while it tends to loosen up. I learned that this is because when you skate in a circle going left all the time, your right leg works harder than the left. I'm out of shape, and this is what I have to deal with for a while. Thank God for Ibuprofen!

The derby team is having a slumber party to "initiate" all of the fresh meat. I heard the word "hazing" a few times, and saw some shit eating grins from some of the vets, so I'm a liiiiiittle bit nervous about what they have in mind.

What what in the butt in the butt

I feel sorta dirty after that whoring out of my blog. Time to cleanse the pallet with some random thought whenever.

The derby team went to a local western bar last night for some "bonding" and goofing off and what not. They are nucking futs, those rollergirls. I didn't go. Tim has been very supportive lately, staying home with Charlie while I left to do this and that, and I felt like I owed him a night off.

My working out is paying off. I've lost 8 pounds, a few inches, and several percent body fat. Of course one of the inches came off my boobs, and nothing has come off my hips or thighs yet.

My writing job has blossomed a bit. I'm now being paid per article, which is awesome. I'm now also responsible for keeping track of advertisers. It's money in my pocket, and it's something I can do from home. It will also fill in the big blank that would be on my resume for the time that I spend staying home with Charlie.

Speaking of the little devil, my almost-one-year-old is still waking up at night a lot, and I've been trying everything that's been suggested to get him to sleep through the night. Among the suggestions: water down his bottles at night so he won't want to eat them, let him cry it out, just pat him on the back but don't pick him up, keep him up later, feed him more solids during the day, give him cereal right before bed, and give him Ibuprofen before bed. I've tried all of those and more. Nothing has worked. Then last night he woke up whining, and I simply reached over, turned off the monitor, and fell back asleep. Tim didn't fall back asleep, but he didn't get up and get Charlie. He said he whined and cried for a while, but eventually gave it up. So that's apparently the key-- just don't bother. He must not have cried much, or else I would've heard him again.

I think we have given up the idea of moving, for now. We can't get what we have here for anywhere close to the same price in another part of Petal, and Tim said he doesn't want to move and stay in Petal unless we get a great place. We have a 3/2 on 3 acres on a dead end road in a great school district. It's hard to find something similar to that around here for less than $250k, and that's way more than we paid for this place. If we find something great in Brandon, we'll go look, but the idea of moving but staying in Petal is out. We'll just have to deal with the trashy neighbors for now. Maybe they'll move, right?

Get Chris to North Carolina

In the almost 5 years I've been blogging, I have never used my blog for anything other than the bitchfest it was intended to be, but right now someone in my family needs help, and this is a potential way to let people know, so here goes...

For over two years now, my brother in law, Chris, has been having some serious medical problems. It started out as flu-like symptoms, and progressed from there. He began having flu symptoms, hallucinations, and everything in between-- Fatigue, sleep paralysis, peripheral neuropathy, back pain, vomiting, loss of consciousness -- the list of bizarre symptoms goes on and on, and most of them I think he'd rather not have shared. He has been to every specialist in the Memphis area who could potentially help him, and nobody has been able to make an accurate diagnosis or provide him with much relief.

He recently had a sleep study done to find out why he's stopping breathing in his sleep. (Brenda has found him asleep with blue lips several times now, and he's having lots of other issues during sleep, like sleep paralysis.) They diagnosed him with sleep apnea, but think it it being caused by something else or is part of a larger picture.



They think the core of his problem may be GI related. They want to send him to Dr. Doug Drossman at UNC Center for Functional GI and Motility Disorders, which is located in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. This guy is well known for finding and solving problems that nobody else can figure out. He's been featured on WebMD, etc. He's legit, and our hope is that he can pinpoint problems that others have not had experience with and can't identify. Chris was referred to this doctor months ago, but it's difficult to get in to see him, and he has been waiting for them to call and give him an appointment. They called today and offered him an appointment for December 8. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the money to make the trip, but he took the appointment anyway on faith that he can come up with the funds to get there.

Because he's been so sick, Chris has been missing more and more work hours over the last six months or so, and the dozens of doctor visits, prescriptions, and other related expenses have drained their wallets to the point that they can't afford to make the trip as of now. Fortunately, they can fly for fairly cheap, thanks to the fact that my grandfather worked for American Airlines for 25 years and our grandmother gets tickets for about $350-400. (It used to be free, but I guess with the cost of fuel they gradually started adding lots of fees to the "free" tickets.) It's still cheaper than buying a regular ticket. On top of the few hundred for airline tickets, there's still the cost of a hotel room, rental car, etc. I would estimate the cost to be in the neighborhood of $800, assuming his health insurance company pays for the doctor's charges, and we're waiting to hear back on that. Anyway nearly a thousand bucks is a lot to come up with when you're living check to check to begin with, then start missing work and your savings has been bled to death. I'm a big believer in families rallying to take care of their own. This has been going on for a very long time now, and everyone in our family has been helping as much as possible, helping with expenses here and there, or helping in other ways, like taking care of the kids while they go to doctors, etc.

If you can, please help us get Chris to this doctor. He is not a bum or a mooch-- he is a stand-up guy who works his tail off and takes care of his family. Lesser men would have collapsed under the pressure and pain he's been in, and he keeps going. He did not ask me to do this, nor did his wife or anyone else in the family. I simply see a need that we can not meet alone, and decided to ask for help.

I set up a Paypal donations button in the sidebar. The Paypal account is in my husband's name, so that is why his name shows up. It will say Tim McWilliams. The money will go to our Paypal account, and 100% of it will go to cover the expenses related to Chris' trip to UNC. I will remove the link as soon as we get enough money, assuming we get any donations, so if you want to give you can rest assured that it's not in vain, and your money will be going directly to the need. In the unlikely event that we actually get TOO MUCH money, I will donate whatever is left over to the American Cancer Society. Not one penny will go into my pocket. If you can give a dollar, give a dollar. If you can give a hundred, give a hundred. If you can't give anything, at least keep Chris and his family in your thoughts and prayers, and tell his story to anyone you know who may be able to help. I'm going to look into setting up a Facebook group where we can also take donations, but for now my blog is the only place, so send people here. Forward the link at the bottom of the post to people in emails--whatever you want to do. If you have any questions, you can email me at annmcwilliams@comcast.net. I'll answer asap.

Thanks in advance for the thoughts and prayers.

~Ann

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=9038914

Blood on the floor.

Last night was a strange one. A few people got hurt at practice. I was at the other end of the floor doing drills with the other fresh meat while the vets were scrimmaging, so I didn't see the incident-- only the aftermath. There was a crash, elbows bashed into lips, knees got twisted, and not everyone got up. One girl left to get stitches in her lip, and the other was carried off the floor with an iced down knee after much screaming and writhing in pain. She refused to go to the ER because she's uninsured.

On the way home, some of the girls saw a Mexican transvestite flip a Ford F-150 into a ditch. Nice! Since I'm trying to lose weight, I didn't stop at Sonic with them after practice, and now I regret it because I really hate I missed the Mexican transvestite truck flipping. No one was hurt.

My toes went numb last night, presumably because my skates are new and not broken in. The feeling hasn't come back, and the tingling occasionally creeps to the bottom of my foot, and sometimes up my right leg. The same leg which I twisted last week. I wonder if I did something to a nerve, and if it will go back to normal on its own. I don't really want to go to the doctor complaining of a tingly feeling.

Oh well. At least the tingling up my leg is not Obama related, right?

Progress, not perfection.

I get weighed and measured once a week, but I didn't do it last week because I was riding the cotton pony and didn't need the humiliation of hearing that I was actually heavier than the previous week. I finally did it Monday. I have already lost 8 pounds. That's 8 pounds in about 3 weeks. I'm proud! She didn't do my measurements because my muscles would be bigger right after a workout.

I was supposed to let her measure me the next morning before exercising, but I didn't get to go because Charlie's preschool was closed for "fall break." I was irate when I walked into that building and found it empty. There was no announcement, no form sent home. They are supposed to follow the county school district's calendar, but the schools were in session. I'm over it now, but I hope some of the other parents let the Director have it. They ARE having preschool tomorrow, so I will get to work out again. I also have derby practice tonight, and that's the best workout known to man...err, woman. I just hope my skates come in soon. The ones I am using are crap.

There's a bout in Mobile Saturday. Can't wait.

Derby, Sick Boys, Party Time, Larry the Lizard, and more Derby.

Yesterday I went to my first roller derby bout. It was awesome even though we lost. I didn't get to watch the second half because I helped run the merch table, but that was fun too, thanks to a bunch of drunk fans.

Charlie was sick all week. The preschool called me Tuesday and said I had to come pick him up because he was running a fever and crying nonstop. I took him to the doctor the next day, and he had a sinus infection and bronchitis. After a Z-pack, he's doing much better, but his stomach is still hurting him and he has the squirts. Now Tim has the squirts too. Hopefully I'm not next to be visited by the squirt virus.

My bathroom is on hold until Chris gets here.

I went to Party Universe the other night to buy a few things for Charlie's birthday party, which is November 1st. I got a little choked up while perusing the aisle that was dedicated to "1st birthday" decorations. The kid is growing up fast. Yesterday he decided to get serious about his attempts to talk. He tried to say several words. He's been saying "Ot" for several days now, and I guess he's trying to say "hot," although I don't know where he would've learned that. Surely I've said it a time or two while cooking with him in the kitchen, but I don't think I've repeated it enough for him to be saying it every 10 seconds like he has been. It's possible that he's trying to say "cat," which I have heard come out "At" and "ot." Who knows. We had a lizard in our living room, and Tim was pointing to it and saying "lizard." Charlie came back with "izzer!" and then "gizzer!"




Larry the Lizard was with us for about a month. He stayed in the track lighting fixture, presumably because it was nice and warm, and came out to sit on the wall from time to time (presumably to cool down and try to catch insects).



I wanted him to stay. Who doesn't want a pet around the house that can change colors? He would get on the door frame and start turning brown. That alone makes him worth keeping, if you ask me. It's free entertainment-- and it freaks people out when they don't know about him and he suddenly appears. We thought he could probably find enough little bugs and things to eat inside the house, so we didn't put him outside. I guess since it's getting cold, fewer bugs are finding their way in, and he started looking a little thin. We also thought he probably needed some water. Rather than set up a little lizard watering hole in the corner of the living room, we finally grabbed him and put him outside today, but not before I rubbed his little belly and thanked him for the insect eating service he's so dutifully provided. I'm sure he's got a belly full of bugs now and is glad to be free, but if he ever needs a light bulb to warm up to, he's welcome to come visit.

All of my potential derby names were taken. I decided I didn't like my original choice, so I am trying to think of other possibilities. You have to register your name with the international roster of derby girl names to be able to use it, and you can't use another player's name. The following awesome names are unavailable: Susan B. Agony, Sandra Day O'Clobber, Sylvia Wrath, Anne Shank. When I hear the name, I'll know it. It doesn't matter right now anyway because I won't be playing in any bouts for a while. Fresh meat. Rah!

Good Thing I Have No Shame

Last night at derby practice, I fell. A lot. I lost count somewhere after 5 falls. The first time I fell, I twisted my knee. It hurts like hell and I don't even have a bruise to prove the pain I'm in. Later we were running this drill where you have to skate between pairs of girls who are holding hands in a moving line. Can't remember what it was called. Well, when it was my turn I went between the first pair of girls, then started between the second pair, but something happened--I think I skated over a cone-- and I hit the ground ass first with a ginormous thud of earthquake proportions. The entire team let out a collective "Owwwwwww!" I would've been embarrassed but I was busy checking to see if my ass cheek had left an indentation in the floor. Then I reached under my butt and pulled out a flattened orange cone, which got a second round of "Ohhhhhhhhh!"

That one did leave a mark.

House hunting.

I wouldn't say we're really house hunting, but we're looking at what's out there. We've been talking about moving closer to Jackson for a while now, and tomorrow we are going to look at this house. It looks pretty awesome judging from the website. The indoor pool would rock. Of course, Tim doesn't have a job in Jackson, and we don't know how easy it would be to sell this place, but we're going to look anyway. The back yard looks like it's on a slope, so there may not be room for Charlie to play. If there's not a reasonable amount of space back there, it'll be a deal breaker.

Even in this economy, it's hard to find a house that compares to this one for this price-- especially in Brandon. A house this size in Brandon is about $40-50k more expensive. A house this size in Brandon on 3 acres would be well over $300k. We'd like to upgrade to 4 bedrooms and keep some of the perks of this place, which include the fact that there's a little bit of land around us, a shop, and we're at the end of a dead end street. It's just the damn neighborhood is so crappy that we're scared our home's value is going to go down instead of up. A house around the corner recently sold for under $60,000. Another on the other end of the street is currently for sale for $72k. There are a couple of rentals, too, and don't even get me started on the trashy folks who live across the street. Right now their yard is completely covered with crap. Just passing by, I counted FOUR inflatable swimming pools, a jungle gym contraption, a poorly built tree house with the word "deth" spray painted on it, a trampoline, a go kart, about a dozen bikes and tricycles, roller skates, skateboards, and some other brightly colored plastic crap that I couldn't identify. Thank God at least their yard is partially blocked by a fence. Tim bought this house for $30k less than what it appraised for, so hopefully we could make a profit. But if I were going to spend that kind of money on a house, I wouldn't want it to be in this neighborhood.

I'm conflicted on the moving idea, to be honest. Part of me would like to be near Jackson. It'd be closer to my hometown by about 2 hours, making visits with my family much easier. We'd be about the same distance from Tim's family. There would be more job opportunities for both of us. However, living in Jackson proper isn't an option, and the suburbs are damn expensive. We also currently live in one of the top school districts in the state, so if we move out of this one, I'd want to move into another comparable one, which would mean being near Brandon, or at least in Rankin County.

I dunno. Why can't people just pick up their yards and take care of their shit and avoid other white trashy behaviors?

I've been spending a lot of time in the bathroom lately.

Ladies and Stew, I need some decorating advice. Martha Stewart I am not. In fact, if she ever set foot into this place her corneas would catch fire, I'm sure.

You may recall that about two months ago I started pulling down the awful wallpaper in my front bathroom, only to discover that there were two layers, and that the bottom layer was about 25 years old and did NOT want to come off in sheets like it's supposed to, but rather flaked off in little crunchy pieces. A million little crunchy pieces. I ended up causing a few spots of damage on the drywall-- not that it mattered much considering the shape they were already in. It answered my questions about why someone would put wallpaper in a bathroom. Anyhow, I finally set aside the time to finish smoothing out the walls, and primed and painted it last weekend.

Now I've got to get a new light fixture and two new mirrors. There's a double vanity, and there was a long "movie star" style light bar. It was gold. It was old. It was gaudy. Right now it's leaning against the wall in the hallway-- the last stop before I drop it into the trash. There was also a big mirror that covered most of the wall from the top of the vanity to the bottom of the light fixture. One big, rectangular mirror. It's leaning against the wall in my bathroom; I have no idea what I'm doing to do with it. It weighs a ton. Anyway, I think I like the idea of having two smaller mirrors-- one above each sink. That's easy enough. The problem is what kind of lighting to use. The old light fixture was about 58" wide-- it went across the whole length of the vanity and the big mirror. So if I put two smaller mirrors, should I put two smaller light fixtures, or one long one? I can't find one nearly as long as the one I've removed. If I put two smaller fixtures, I'm going to have to rewire get my bro-in-law to rewire so that there will be two wires to hook up to-- one above each sink-- instead of one. The current one is in the middle, between the two sinks. This rewiring won't be a problem; he is coming down for Charlie's birthday party at the end of this month. But I still need to figure out if I want two fixtures or one, and what style, color, etc. The trim is brown, the vanity is brown, there are horrific 1970's brown spindles on a half wall between the vanity and the toilet, so there's a lot of brown wood. The walls are now a creamy color. I've been to Lowe's twice with a checkbook and a determination to make a decision that day, but left empty handed both times.

I really suck at this stuff, and wish I had disposable money that I could just throw at some interior designer to fix it for me. I'm probably just going to wait until my sister and bro-in-law get here a month from now. She can help me with decorating, and he can do the manly stuff. I just hate to wait another month. This bathroom renovation wasn't supposed to be a long-term goal, you know?

Oh well. It's already better than the angels from hell.