Birthday Party Strategy

I just visited a parenting message board where I read a discussion about first birthday party ideas, and it has reaffirmed my belief that people are fucking retarded. Some of these bitches are renting bouncy houses, clowns, and ponies! What kind of world must you live in if you think it's necessary to get any one of those things? I mean, who is coming to this kid's first birthday party? Other one-year-olds? Are a bunch of toddlers really gonna get on a bouncy thing or ride a pony? No, bitch! They're gonna stare at it, and they're gonna drop their sippy cups and start crying when they see the clown. At the end of the day, you've got a bunch of toddlers with full diapers and sensory overload, a yard full of plastic inflatable crap, and a $600 bill to pay.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's for the older cousins and friends. Fine. But still. The birthday boy (or girl) can't enjoy it. Worst of all, it's bad strategy. Let me explain...If you do it up big for the early ones-- say, the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd birthdays-- what's it gonna take to impress the kid by the time he's 4, 5, 6? If he has a pony and a clown at his 3rd birthday, do you really think a bouncy house will suffice when he's 8? No! You're gonna have to send that spoiled brat to the fucking moon by the time he's 10 if you're not careful! Don't blow your wad too soon, Momma!

I plan to keep it simple for as long as possible. Charlie will be 1 on Sunday. His aunt is making his cake-- one small cake for him to eat on his own, and a larger one for me everyone else. We'll serve it with ice cream. The party is at lunch time, so I'll be serving a full meal for the 10-12 people present. Those 10-12 people include his parents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, and his grandmother.

I spent $34 on overpriced decorations, including a birthday boy hat for him (which I expect him to wear for all of 3 seconds before he pulls it off and throws it to the floor), 1st birthday themed paper plates and napkins, invitations (which I mailed to family members last week), and a "Happy Birthday" banner to hang on the wall. We'll eat lunch, then sing to him, give him his cake, take pictures, I will shed some tears, then eat some cake, shed some more tears, eat some more cake, then hose him down and call it a day. The pictures will be his only memory of the event, which is the reason I went ahead and bought a few decorations. I imagine his second birthday will be more of the same, but maybe with a couple of friends from school.

When he's old enough to appreciate it, we'll start making it a big deal. I don't know if we'll get a bouncy house, but we might rent a room at the movie theatre or the skating rink or whatever he wants. We might do one huge one before he gets too cool to party with his folks. Maybe we'll really go all out for the 12th or 13th.

See? Equally distribute the party effort over the first 10-12 years, and avoid having to buy him his own island to impress him. Silly people!