The Unplanned Swine Flu Party

Charlie's birthday party went smoothly. He loved the balloons and the cake, and he hasn't stopped playing with his cute little toys.









Brenda, Chris, Mom, and the kids left as soon as the party was over. An hour later, Brenda texted me saying that Chris was throwing up. We thought it was just another episode of whatever it is he's had this whole time, but within another hour, both the kids had joined him, and Brenda was trapped in the Suburban for 6+ hours with three puking people. I gave her a "haha-- better you than me" laugh. Fast forward another hour, and Karma was kicking my ass. I was lying in my bed clutching my stomach and praying to God for mercy, and soon after that I was sitting on the toilet, holding a garbage can, and spewing out of both ends. By the way, Mexican Chicken casserole and chili are the two worst things to puke up.

Before it was over, we all had it-- Brenda, Chris, Mom, the kids, me, and Tim. Charlie's had diarrhea since Friday, but he didn't puke. Mom said Chris went to the doctor and was told he had the flu. I don't know if they tested him or just assumed it was the flu based on his symptoms, but I imagine they would've tested him since whatever illness he's had for the past 2 years has flu-like symptoms. Anyway, Tim called in to work and is headed to the employee health clinic this morning, and I'm sure they will test him. If he has it, I'll probably go to Immediate Care to get my own swiney sickness confirmed and get some Tamiflu. I don't feel pukey anymore, but my muscles are achy.

Other than a few saltines last night, I haven't eaten anything since about 6:00 Sunday, and I don't have any desire to. I am sipping on a Diet Coke right now-- my first attempt to put anything into my body. We have more than half of Charlie's birthday cake left over, plus an entire extra cake that I bought as backup. I was going to take the whole one to his preschool, but since we've been sick I didn't take him yesterday. I don't know what I'm going to do with all the leftover cake and food, but I doubt I can bear to eat any of it now...or ever again.

Birthday Party Strategy

I just visited a parenting message board where I read a discussion about first birthday party ideas, and it has reaffirmed my belief that people are fucking retarded. Some of these bitches are renting bouncy houses, clowns, and ponies! What kind of world must you live in if you think it's necessary to get any one of those things? I mean, who is coming to this kid's first birthday party? Other one-year-olds? Are a bunch of toddlers really gonna get on a bouncy thing or ride a pony? No, bitch! They're gonna stare at it, and they're gonna drop their sippy cups and start crying when they see the clown. At the end of the day, you've got a bunch of toddlers with full diapers and sensory overload, a yard full of plastic inflatable crap, and a $600 bill to pay.

Okay, okay. Maybe it's for the older cousins and friends. Fine. But still. The birthday boy (or girl) can't enjoy it. Worst of all, it's bad strategy. Let me explain...If you do it up big for the early ones-- say, the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd birthdays-- what's it gonna take to impress the kid by the time he's 4, 5, 6? If he has a pony and a clown at his 3rd birthday, do you really think a bouncy house will suffice when he's 8? No! You're gonna have to send that spoiled brat to the fucking moon by the time he's 10 if you're not careful! Don't blow your wad too soon, Momma!

I plan to keep it simple for as long as possible. Charlie will be 1 on Sunday. His aunt is making his cake-- one small cake for him to eat on his own, and a larger one for me everyone else. We'll serve it with ice cream. The party is at lunch time, so I'll be serving a full meal for the 10-12 people present. Those 10-12 people include his parents, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, and his grandmother.

I spent $34 on overpriced decorations, including a birthday boy hat for him (which I expect him to wear for all of 3 seconds before he pulls it off and throws it to the floor), 1st birthday themed paper plates and napkins, invitations (which I mailed to family members last week), and a "Happy Birthday" banner to hang on the wall. We'll eat lunch, then sing to him, give him his cake, take pictures, I will shed some tears, then eat some cake, shed some more tears, eat some more cake, then hose him down and call it a day. The pictures will be his only memory of the event, which is the reason I went ahead and bought a few decorations. I imagine his second birthday will be more of the same, but maybe with a couple of friends from school.

When he's old enough to appreciate it, we'll start making it a big deal. I don't know if we'll get a bouncy house, but we might rent a room at the movie theatre or the skating rink or whatever he wants. We might do one huge one before he gets too cool to party with his folks. Maybe we'll really go all out for the 12th or 13th.

See? Equally distribute the party effort over the first 10-12 years, and avoid having to buy him his own island to impress him. Silly people!

Ass, meet Foot.

Insurance companies suck.

Chris' doctor told him he wants to do exploratory surgery. The insurance company won't pay for it because his colonoscopy came back clear. Nevermind that he frequents death's door at least once a month, and this could find the problem, right?

My right foot hurts. It started when I started playing roller derby, and it gets worse when I skate. I put an arch support in my skate, hoping that would help. It helped some, but it didn't keep my feet from going numb. Both feet. Numb. And I still have pain in my right foot. A numb foot that hurts-- ain't that a bitch? So I decided to go to a podiatrist because this has been getting worse and worse. I have to go through Hattiesburg Clinic because Tim works for FGH, and the insurance will only cover HC. They have ONE podiatrist that they will pay for. ONE! There are at least three in this area that I can name right off the top of my head, but my insurance will only pay for one. It just happens to be the one who can't see me until November 16.

Insurance companies suck. Share your shitty insurance experience in the comments section.

Cereal Haiku

Inside his diaper
a moist, shriveled Cheerio
stuck to Charlie's balls.

I wanna see some colored leaves but live in a world of evergreens haiku

The leaves haven't turned.
Oh wait, those are pine needles.
Fall in the South? Sucks.

24 hour news channel haiku

The Manson murders
happened forty years ago.
Shut up already.

Bedtime Blues Haiku

Charlie, stop screaming
WILL YOU EVER STOP SCREAMING
Oh God make it stop